As far as weekends go, this on was one of the best I’ve had in for ever. Got taken on a date Saturday night, got to watch some racing today, and had some really deep conversations with my date provider, and finished it up with a random hike, that turned out to be really good (not the best good, but really good).
I went to take a hike up the highway a little bit, but there was a bad accident up there, so the road was closed. I saw there was a trail head right next to where I was stuck in traffic, so I parked my hooptie, ripped off my sweat shirt, grabbed my camera bag, water, and hiking sticks. Wondered around trying to find a signal strong enough to locate a trail near by in AllTrails, gave up, pointed my phone to AllTrails off trail mode, and took off (side note: 60% battery is NOT enough for a 2’ish hour hike).
I hadn’t planned on hiking today, but I am so happy I did. Some hard communication went on through out today, and I needed to get up there, sweat, use my brain for thinking about anything but life, shed some tears, and hammer the shit out of my shutter button. Since I wasn’t taking any “path” or “trail” specifically, I just kept turning on any trail that looked like it was still going up. Eventually, I reached the precipice. Probably good, because I was in no way shape or form ready to turn back when I reached the top. I walked around the top, took pictures, hung out for a minute, let the cool fall air soak into my soaking wet back and pants, turned myself back towards the downhill and started walking again.
Putting everything I thought about into words is nearly impossible. Especially in blog format. There are also a lot of interpersonal, and personal details that don’t impact the thought processes or journey that developed today. I’ll do the best I can to explain the periphery.
I’ve lost count of the times in my life that timing was everything. Not that I was lucky with timing, but that I missed it all together. Not always a bad thing, but always a difficult thing. From high school, military life, getting married when I did, and divorcing her when I did. Relationships I’ve had since then, and I assume relationships I will have in the future (that one really sucks, because I am so absolutely exhausted. Dating is a brutal, difficult, and relentless experience). Solitude is peaceful. Solitude is also as empty as meaningless sex. The never ending relationship interviews, the “you’re such a great guy” speeches, and the always brutal “you’re a lot of fun, we can still hook up, but I’m looking for something else” speech.
The other side of dating that takes a lot to recover from (it isn’t bad, but is exhausting) is how much you need to invest your emotions and time. Seeing if the one you hope works out, does or not isn’t as quick as you see in the movies. Chemistry is pretty easy to feel if it’s there, but communication takes effort, and time. I do my best to keep some of myself in reserve so that if things don’t work out, I’m not completely spent. It also takes a lot of bravery to keep yourself vulnerable even though you are really scared that things might not work. You’ve got to keep yourself present, available, and open to your potential person, or they’re not going to get the genuine you.
The relationship I am in right now is scary, so sweet, and meticulously restrained. There isn’t a moment that goes by where I’m not worried I’m pushing too hard, or moving too fast. There are also moments in every day, that I worry if I don’t push to move things along, someone else will. I feel it is a damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I do not check off a HUGE block that her and her family expect her to have. It is a difficult truth to swallow, but growing up here, it happens most of the time, and I’ve tried to keep trying, even when I know the outcome is going to be a re-worded version of the prevailing theme. I wish I could stop being attracted to the person regardless of their upbringing. I vote the same way though, I vote for the person I feel will best represent me, not the party they are affiliated with (and if they both suck, I vote interdependent just so my vote isn’t totally wasted).
So this hike was a come to Justin revival. Does he stand fast, continue working on the best self he can build, hope he’s strong enough to hang in there to the end no matter how it ends? Or does he slip to the side, heal some more, retreat to the safety of his solitude, and try dating again come spring? There was no decision made, no spark of genius. Just a lot of talking to him self out-loud, tears, pro and con debates with himself, and many many pictures taken.
I think I’ll sleep on it, revisit it tomorrow if it feels right, and enjoy Columbus day with a bunch of naps, too many grapes, a baked potato, and another hike if the weather holds out.
Throwing all the pictures in here, no explanation, I’m really tired, my bind if fuzzy, and I want to brush my teeth.
Good night everyone that sees this, I hope tomorrow brings brighter words, a new page, and a future full of hope, excitement, and healthy growth. ~me