Spring Cleanin’ n’ ShitMay 5, 2021
I guess it is almost “not” spring anymore, but last weekend I tackled my garage (I can finally put a car in there again), and all week I’ve been doing a little to my yard on the daily. Edged it with the edger from hell (Som’bitch has a metal blade that can chuck rocks a good city block), watered the lawn copiously & repeatedly, and have three small (and moderately healthy) Daffodils showing me they’re alive and beautiful (forgot to get pictures before the flowers fell off).
Having little to nothing to really talk about today, I guess we’ll hit on some of the things that sting to this day when there’s enough time to let the mind wonder around what was, could have been, and can’t be again.
I have a picture of my grandmother on my fridge, and a picture of her and my grandpa on a book shelf in my daughter’s room. I didn’t see them as often as I would have liked when they were alive, and even though it has been a few years since they’ve been gone, I still feel like on the other side of my phone is their voice. That I could simply pick up my phone, hammer in their number, and talk to them. I do have a few phone messages from my grandpa from a year or so before he passed, but none of my grandma’s voice. I have a CD ROM with my uncle’s songs on them, and there are a couple songs that you can hear her singing along, it is a bitter sweet sound no doubt.
Outside of family loss, the other longing pain I feel deeper than I think I should, are the relationships I took for granted. Working on my past regrets and how hard I lock them down inside my mind and heart are something front and center with me and my therapist. With time they have become less invasive, do not interfere with my daily life, or change my mood for more than a few moments, but the itch that persistently nags at the back of my mind can become tiering.
I think it is special happenstance that a human being who was once a stranger, can become a memory that will probably never dull with the passing of time. I think everyone has that one relationship, or person in their lives that left such an impression that you feel changed for ever in how you view other people, and the world. Sometimes it is family, sometimes it is a past lover or best friend (or both). My grandparents weren’t taken for granted, but there are days when I feel that I should have soaked in more of their essence. Work hard, keep your sense of playfulness, and keep your integrity in check always. When it comes to past relationships, be it a special friend that showed you that you can do so much more than your inner voice tells you is possible, or the lover that showed you unmatched compassion and caring regardless of how much you were taking it all for granted. Just keep in mind that those times were then, and now you have the perfect opportunity to make it right, work hard, keep yourself accountable, and do not take anything for granted, especially the efforts of someone that was once a stranger.
Telling myself to “GROW” from experiences I have had is important to me now. Trying to expand myself to meet the comparisons I make between my past self and present self (expand yourself to become a better person, daily). Needing to be better than we were yesterday, last week, or last year is never a bad thing. Working on adapting my regret, self doubt, and disappointment in myself into something positive has been where I point my mind when I start to feel that thump in my chest, weightless tingle in my cheeks, or the tear puff up under my eyelid. The past can be a tool to become a better future self.
“You’re not who you used to be, you are who you are now, and you CAN BE who you want to be tomorrow”