Tinkering and Puttering and ImprovingApril 23, 2021
Welcome to Friday everyone. Not a particularly special Friday out here, got a lot done since I had a roofer scheduled to bid on my roof at 9am (Mind you, I don’t normally go to bed until 2 or 3am because of work hours, so getting up at 8am can be a struggle). I got up at 8, kicked the coffee maker into action, and started tinkering around the house. Took down and washed the living room curtains (cats that love windows = curtains that have cat hair), mowed the lawn (no edging or blowing it away though, lets not get crazy here), watered the flower bed (3 little daffodils are saying hello), sprinkled water around most of the lawn, then hung said curtains back up, and talked to the roofer guys about getting in touch with my insurance company (the roofers ended up arriving around 11am – I could have slept a little bit more and been lazy).
This weekend should be pretty casual. Tomorrow I’ll rip my Crown Vic’s front end apart (to replace front lower control arm bushings, press out/press in new lower ball joints, replace front upper control arms, replace the front struts & springs, and make an appointment for an alignment). I’ve got to get my buddies Audi parked where I can get back to work on installing his audio system (I got “Frozen Shoulder” back in October, about half way through the build so I had to stop). Then hopefully spend some quality time with my girlfriend and enjoy some family time with her at her grand daughter’s birthday bash.
Being in a decent place emotionally and mentally has felt like being able to breathe again after a long asthma attack, or eating too much then tying your shoes for a few months non stop. I wake up with out that painful chest kicked in feeling, I go to sleep quietly, with out needing the TV loud or radio on (I still need a little noise because tinnitus). I still have moments of uncertainty, small nudges with thoughts of low self worth or disappointment, and regrets. The difference is that I’m getting better at acknowledging them, and letting go. I think the state of my mental health is better than it has been in a very long time. The changeover in medication was rough as fuck, but things have improved immensely now that the new medication has had time to work. The difference between my old medication, and the new medication, is that now I can feel the highs and lows of life more naturally. I feel that when I was on my old medication, I was a bit too “even keel” with my feelings and emotions (that in its self created some gargantuan regrets that I’ve had to work hard to acknowledge and put away). The new medication seems to allow me to feel the ups and downs in a healthy way, process them, and deal with them as appropriate.
Mental health is a difficult subject to tackle with out sounding emotional, cold, over dramatic, or weak. I’m not sure if it is a strong person that never seems to seek professional help for relentless difficult times, or they just like the appearance of being strong. I had a difficult time getting professional help at first because I have friends and family that have made it through so much more than I have, yet seem to be able to work through it on their own. It wasn’t easy for me to choose to seek a professional’s opinion or diagnosis for my mental health. To be diagnosed with something is a weight off the chest in some ways (For instance: “It is normal to feel this, and here’s why”), but only for a day or two, then the work begins, and you start to learn the tools that will help you understand what is going on inside your mind. Work and medication, hand in hand, help me to become the person I would want to be around. A person I wouldn’t mind calling a friend, or a person I would feel good depending on. There in lies some of the regrets I’ve worked on and came to terms with. Not always was I the person I thought I was, needed to be, or appeared to be for people close to me. I can not fix who I was when I crashed through their lives, but I can be a better person now and moving forward. Being a good person to those near me now is where I work to focus my effort. To be the father, son, friend, and lover I imagine myself to be, is the goal. I don’t want to wonder if I was the best person I could have been when my days of breathing are done.
This weekend will be about turnin’ wrenches (and banging on shit with heavy shit to unstick shit that’s stuck), cuss words with blasphemous overtones, long hugs, and working on myself. I hope it will also be a weekend of feeling accomplished, making a difference, and seeing smiles cross faces that have let me be part of their lives.
Welcome to the weekend everyone, please be safe, make it to tomorrow, and smile to keep suspicious people wondering what you’ve been up to “this time”.