I’m Grateful to my Tiny Circle

I’m Grateful to my Tiny Circle

April 13, 2021 Off By justin

I’m not sure what to write about, but I fear skipping too many days I might loose this helpful habit.

I’ve been feeling really normal, decent, and practically myself the last few weeks. Everything seems to be going pretty smoothly, I’ve spent some time under my car (well, quite a bit of time actually). Exposed my vulnerabilities, not been rebuked, and feel that with a little more time I’ll be working on some deeper issues that I’ve never worked on before (From childhood, through adolescence, and finally more recent items of interest).

Today is my 52nd birthday. I can’t really say much about it. It seems after a few dozen birthdays they loose their luster, and aren’t a big deal anymore. I spent a wonderful evening with a woman I’ve grown to really enjoy spending time with, woke up, fixed coffee, had some conversation, and swapped out the front sway bar on my Crown Victoria (from stock to a monster ADTR.net sway bar, it’s a beast). Over the last few weeks, I’ve changed the rear upper and lower control arms, watts link (also found a broken exhaust mount while I was laying there cussing the planet), and upgraded the rear springs and shocks. The car drives better than new, and I’ve still got a new ADTR.net rear sway bar to install (maybe tomorrow), and replace the front struts & springs (maybe next year, I’ve dumped enough money into it for this year).

For shits and giggles I’ve been bouncing around another trip somewhere. I think the Oregon/Washington Coast, maybe northern Montana or Colorado (turn it into a visit with my kids in the process), or maybe if I can find a way to make it a long weekend trip with out taking leave, up to Maine just because I’ve never visited there (passed through with the Air Force several times, but never left the terminal). I don’t know if it is wanderlust, or just finally feeling that making memories might be more valuable to life’s richness than owning things. The last trip I took was to Las Vegas with my wonderful friend (mentioned her in the first couple blogs). We waisted a few hours of our lives (we’ll never get back) listening to a sales pitch for a time share in Vegas (we got a $100 Visa card, a few nights hotel (not free as they’d told us), and two tickets to the Mob Museum – still not worth the time we lost out of our lives). On the drive home, I got to see parts of Utah I hadn’t seen before, and learned a few things about that area.

I was recently re-introduced to fishing, actually cooking in the kitchen (making most of the meals & deserts from scratch), and a woman who seems to have as many out of pocket talents as I like to think I have. Like, woodworking, fine art painting, DIY home improvements (with the big tools to prove it), metal detecting, road tripping out to Ghost Towns, Jam making (she sells it too), plucking the eggs from her small flock of chickens, and knocking out occasional projects from Pinterest. With such a full plate it is no wonder that I can see her ADHD streaming out of her every time we talk. Kindred spirits, or a wondering case of “I can do anything you can do better, I can do anything better than you”. (First time we went fishing, I caught TWO, and she caught um .. well .. I think we’ll leave that one alone. She’s kicking my ass astronomically in “Words with Friends” though, so I guess we’re even).

Over all, I have no real complaints about life as it is at the moment. I still get the occasional gut punches from regrets past, I still find myself wondering around memory lane (only the painful parts of course) for too long, and I’m still working on the things me and my therapist talked about a few weeks ago. I don’t know what trigger flipped that has me calmer, more “politely” introspective (not as hard on myself as I have been), and feeling brighter about the days ahead. I assume it may be the medication taking effect, the work I’ve been doing from the counselors ideas, or just enough time has passed that things aren’t as sharp anymore. I’m not complaining, but I wish I knew what was actually working so I could drop that in my emotional tool box for the next time I fall apart, step back into the dark pit of self pity, and unintentionally bring a perfectly innocent friend into the turmoil and hurt them in the process.

For today’s blog post, I just want to say thank you to my family and friends that have known me at my shittiest, and at my best. My mom for always being there for me no matter how far away I lived. To my dad for all the help he’s given me over the decades, and my sister, the best bestfriend anyone could ever ask for. I feel extra lucky because she’s my best friend, my sister, and holder of so many memories I no longer remember, that she could write a book about me and I wouldn’t know who she was writing about. My circle of friends is tinny to say the least. There are dearly departed friends from around the world, friends that have since moved on to live their own lives, and friends that will always be dear to me no matter how little we communicate . My military brothers (and sisters) in arms, needless to say, will always be where I hold myself in comparison. The strength of character is unmatched in our armed forces. No matter how much I complain about the hard times, or how wild we got when cutting loose (a bunch of us should be in jail I’m sure), the character of a dedicated person in our military is unrivaled around the globe.

Thank you everyone, 52 years down, lots more to go.