Is Your Person Your Best Friend?March 31, 2021
I’m really not sure what I’m writing about. I’m supposed to be keeping a mood log, but after some devastating realizations last Tuesday (23rd of March) I haven’t been able to write my moods down with out loosing it too bad to write anything, let alone what was tearing me apart inside.
This week hasn’t been too terrible. A few small tears, but I haven’t fallen into a sobbing body shaking fit of ache and despair. Out of habit I still swallow the hurt, pain, rejection, regret, and disappointment like it’s a “hard pill to swallow” (literally swallow the lump and chest tightness until I can move on for the day). I’m working with a therapist (I say that, but I’ve only spoken to him once, and messaged him a dozen times through the VA secure messaging). It seems he understands the nature of this emotional stuff and how it drags up things from my previous career as a side effect (He is a VA therapist, so he better know how to handle us that won’t go into detail about some things). We’ve changed my medication, and there are a few apps I have that are supposed to get better with time (but I haven’t been able to hold it together long enough to really use them appropriately). He’s on vacation this week, so my main point of contact has been the VA’s Crisis Center. Luckily I’ve only had to call them once or twice since first starting this fucking spiral down the shitty ass emotional bull shit (I just have to say, before I get all gentle and kind again. Dating sucks worse than being single, but being single sucks worse than not being able to share your experiences with your best friend and person).
Something you quickly realize when you’re absolutely emotionally spent and can’t even bother to take a shower because you know it’ll break you to have that time to think, is the utter lack of close friends you have. I’m not saying I don’t have friends I can turn to, but when I’m in a relationship, my person IS my best friend. When you loose that, you really loose your life line too. There in lies my regret, guilt, and disappointment in myself.
So if my future person is out there, please be patient, I’m a terrible communicator, I know this, and I’m trying to learn how to be better at that. My hope and where I’m putting my effort is to actively participate in my mental health, learn how to communicate the moods that used to cause a fight with peaches instead of a rational conversation. Working on my vocabulary so I can express clearly what I am going through, and my person can understand where I am at instead of keeping it inside, blaming myself for feeling that emotion, and not having the words to say what it is I’m feeling. The Mood log I am keeping is going to help me trace the spiderweb of feelings that lead to the emotional mood I find myself participating in.
When they say “You may not have control over what someone does, you do have control over how you respond to it”. I want to be able to do this so much.
The process continues, endlessly?