February 17, 2021 Off By justin

With out sounding like a pansy assed “emo” person, the last few months have been a shit show of an emotional roller coaster.

I’m normally a pretty happy guy. Jokes, humor, wit, and general conversation are the norm for me, but over the fall and into the winter I have been knocked down, used, taken advantage of, and kicked to the curb on more than one occasion (Shit like that adds up, I don’t care who you are).

My long time girlfriend (3+ years) and I took a break from one another (ended up being a break up I think). She is a great example of someone who gave more of herself than I gave back. An incredible person, and I wish her so much of the best (it is going to kick the shit out of me to see her move on, but she disserves a better man than I could be for her).

After a few months getting used to being solitary, I went on a date. It was a good date, lots of laughs, drinks, food, and a gentlemanly walk to her door ended the evening (she is a nice girl, just no chemistry). We talked about the lack of chemistry for me, remained friends online, and she has since found herself a good guy.

A few weeks later I took a woman out that I had no intensions of liking outside of “friends”. We’d had a wonderful week of texting before the big day. Meeting her in person I melted into a gooey mess. I couldn’t stop talking, her eyes killed any sense of control in what my mouth was spewing out, and the next day when she wasn’t responding to my texts, the first boot to the chest crept in. Eventually she did apologize for her delay, and said she wasn’t over her ex (I wish she had told me there was no chemistry, because in time, it turns out she was on the dating train with several guys, but didn’t know how to tell me I didn’t click with her – the pattern begins).

Meeting someone online now feels like Russian roulette with a loaded gun after this one (She’s got a tattoo of a gun on the palm of her hand. Might be a long story if that’s any indication of what type of person we’re talking about here). Really great first date, took pictures for me, and took more of the both of us (I thought that was kind of weird, but to each their own). She left to go camping with her parents, and we set up a second date at my place (LITTERALLY no intentions of it going beyond just a friendly date). She asked for a kiss, and the physical stuff wasn’t far behind. I am leery of any relationship that kicks off with physical intimacy so quickly, red flag!

I had another date lined up for later in the week, so hand gun girl and I didn’t talk much for a week or so. The woman I went out with for coffee and back to my place to talk and show her my hobbies, turned out to be a really great woman with smarts, humor, and patience. The chemistry was under the surface, but didn’t make its self known until later in the year (she’ll be back later in this story).

While “Hand Gun Girl” and I were in a texting void I went on two other dates after I went to coffee and had my hobby tour. The first of these two dates were with a woman a few years older than me, and a really great girl. Same taste in music, we both had Vans on, and her dog almost let me pet her ;). We’re still friends, I just didn’t see a relationship between us. Next I went on a date with another woman that had been texting me (very personal texts) for a week or so. I took her to my favorite bar. As soon as I saw her I knew I was in trouble again. I couldn’t shut the fuck up, probably came across as a flake and inattentive date. I asked her to text me when she got home, she didn’t until I asked her if she made it home. She had no idea it crushed me to know yet another one didn’t feel it when I did. She said she felt bad a few weeks later after I’d healed enough to tell her how I felt (we were still in touch, just no ‘spark’ on her end). I took a mini vacation to Wisconsin while I was trying to heal from two painful dates in a few months. Little did I know, dating pain compounds, intensifies, and it doesn’t go away. Back to “Hand Gun Girl”.

Handgun girl needed help moving to a smaller place and out of her large house. I volunteered my trailer and my son to help haul her stuff to her new place. For several days my son and I helped her move (I couldn’t help every day, so my son took my car and trailer out to her place and helped). A few more weeks of random texting went on. Her car got vandalized, she got shingles, and wasn’t feeling well so I offered to go fix her dinner, and help her out a little while she wasn’t feeling well. I spent the night at her place platonically, we had a few drinks, I gave her a full body message (she was starting Pilates so she was sore). we made several plans to go to dinner, spend the night at her place, and she offered to let me take a nap there after dropping my kids off at 5am. Each time she canceled. While I was there we talked about her coming to visit me at my house again (she’d only been up to my place once). Over the next week we kept on making plans and talking about them.

About a week before she was to come see me she asked why I was focusing on her so much. I told her that I just “felt” good with her, and wanted to make an effort to continue our relationship together. She barely texted after this conversation. Single word or short sentence responses (hadn’t been her MO since meeting her). My parents came to town the night her and I had planned on spending the night at my place. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said “No, not at all, just busy”. In this same text session, she accidently sent me a flight schedule for Feb 3-10th to Tampa Florida, then told me it was for her daughter. I ordered her an electric blanket because I keep my house pretty chilly and she uses one at her place. I went and got the drinks she likes, and the foods that don’t upset her stomach (She is a Gastric Bypass patient). I bought a big side of Salmon on Thursday and had it thawed out for our dinner (Friday night).

We made plans for the next night (after our original sleep over had to be cancelled) and she was quick to say yes. She was still posting comments “Handsome man” on my FB posts in the singles groups we were in, and hearting my comments to comments I made for her online. She said her daughter-in-law was having a bday party the day she was coming to my place so she’d probably be late. Later that night she texted me and said she was too tired to drive up. I felt bad and said okay, talk to you in the morning. Silence.

Come Feb 3rd, she posted on her FB page “Headed to Tampa with this Handsome man”. I tried to congratulate her on her budding relationship, but it started to eat me up that I had been used, misled, taken advantage of, and lied to. I was hurt, angry, and crushed at my failure to see through her lies. Below that post, was another post that was the night I had to cancel our overnight (“matching CAT shirts with this handsome man”).

I ended up leaving the singles groups (I really enjoyed them, it wasn’t about finding dates, but meeting other single people). I sent her a message asking her all the questions. She said “He had asked me to be exclusive 2 days before you did” .. I asked her “Then why in the hell were you still making overnight plans with me?” and she said she had planned on talking to me about it at my house but didn’t get the chance. There’s more, but I can’t think right now.

Back in the picture not long after this happened is the woman I went on a date with after “Hand Gun Girl”. We made plans for a second date but I was struggling really bad with the situation with “Hand Gun Girl”. She expressed so much patience and understanding to my situation and still came up to see me. I still can’t express the thanks I have for her fortitude to give me a chance through all of my anxiety, depression, and continual overthinking. We’re still seeing each other exclusively, and she is the stabilization I desperately need in my life.

Since meeting my stable person I’ve deactivated my FB, shut down the FB messenger, and deleted my Instagram.

I’ve been calling the VA for help since last week, talked to every friend I know that has the right personality to deal with my shit, and done what I can do stay busy. Still, the circle of thoughts continue, the anxiety brought on by things I can not control, and the unending physical pain I feel in my chest from morning to night has me so tired. I ache for sleep, but it doesn’t come as deeply as I wish it would.

Dating sucks, getting the feels is terrifying, and I can’t help but feel a mix of deep appreciation and regret for letting anyone get close enough to me that I could hurt them too.


Update. I allowed that last woman in my rambling story above to get close to me, when I should have not let her become a romantic interest. She is a really good person, and I feel regret and disappointment in myself for not allowing more time to get myself straight before allowing anyone into my life (let alone that closely). I am far from strong enough to handle anyone well at the moment, let alone someone as kind and tender hearted as she is. My apologies to her, and although we still speak, I know she is hurting and it was my fault.