Sometimes just going on a walk is good enough “for now”. This little “hike” was around a small water skiing pond right off 21st street in Ogden. AllTrails lists it as easy, a little over a mile, and paved. That’s about it, nothing too unique. It’s frequented by the homeless, down trodden, and vagabonds. This morning, first thing that caught my eye was some green garbage cans way over stuffed, and the plethora of random cans, bottles, and wrappers strewn around here and there. I really wasn’t there for the scenery (although it helps a LOT when there is water, trees, and flowers to see).
When I started the walk, I was in a pretty decent place. Not good, not bad, just kind of numb’ish (REALLY wish I could stay numb sometimes). After a few hundred yards, and a few pictures, I was feeling myself. Little ache inside, focus all over the place, and I kept catching myself thinking about things other than which angle would look best for that flower, or reflections off the lake, or maybe the way the trail weaves back and forth through the trees. Instead I was thinking, or wondering, when will I know its okay to talk to the people that keep reaching out? If they wear a bra, wash their face with different soap than they wash their body, and have different shampoos for different days of the week, I don’t generally talk to them much. I have two or three that I’ve known for a long time, and feel safe talking openly to, but for the most part, when I get a text, I answer politely, and decline their offer to go to lunch, out for a drink, or to dinner. It gets frustrating when I tell them “I’m staying single to work on myself”, and they still keep trying to make it sound like they’re fine with just listening to me and being friends (tried that, doesn’t work). They assume so much about me because they know me superficially as a nice guy. They don’t know that my ego agrees with their view, that it thinks that in general I am a good guy. The hard thing to get them to see is that I have not been the nice guy in past relationships. They seem to only see me through superficial eyes. I believe I will be a good catch in time. Right now, I’m fragile, tender inside, and there are wounds I hadn’t opened in decades seeping relentless pain into me from head to tow. I miss so much about a healthy relationship, and I miss so much about the way it made me feel. I ache to be there again and not hurt my person in the way I hurt them then.
Regardless, on the walk, I tried to let my subconscious do it’s thing while I did mine. There were a lot of flying things out today, lots of little weeds with pretty flowers, and sunflowers of course. The lake looked pretty, but the Weber River was pretty bad. I tried to get some good angles so the trash wasn’t visible in the images, but if you look close, I’m sure there’s a random “something” caught in the corner.
A visual journey around the 21st Street Pond
Thank you to any and all that have taken a look at my journey to becoming better. I feel like I’m stuck right now, no progress out of the pain, maybe progress in self realization, but the ache is exhausting, and I have my doubts it will end anytime soon. Sometimes I’m not a good enough cheerleader for myself, sometimes I know I am enough, and sometimes I feel like the word impossible drifts around my mind far too often.
Is it a sign of progress when it hurts to smile? When you ask others about their problems so you don’t have to listen to your mouth speak words that haunt you? Is it progress to cry when you are so scared of being happy again it makes you shake? What is progress? How do people .. people? Why does self discovery have to be so god damn difficult? Why won’t the regrets, disappointments, and this relentless pain, please fuck off?