What a Wonderful Place to Be

I feel I must start this post with a sad farewell to my camera. It hung in there through wind, heat, rain, and a rampage of cuss-words on more than one occasion. For this hike I choose to use my 28-200mm lens. It is a new lens, all auto, zooms really well, but with any lens this versatile, there’s compromises. To go from wide angle 28mm to zoomed in 200mm there’s a lot of glass the light has to traverse before it reaches the sensor in your camera. It mutes the colors, can distort the image, and seems to lack the sharpness and contrast of a “prime” lens (one that only has one focal length).

I got a few images taken, then the last image was really blown out (the shutter was open longer than optimal, so the image was really white, and over exposed). I didn’t worry about it, because I have taken blown out images regularly. After I reached the trail summit, and started to hike down hill again, I tried to take another photograph. Nothing happened. The readings changed as I moved around to different subjects, but the camera wouldn’t do anything when I hammered down on the “take the picture now” button.

Thankfully, I love the old cameras, and they aren’t very expensive (I can find another one for less than $100 on the e-Bays). It will be missed, I really loved that camera, but I’m going to order another K100D Super, because it fit me so well.

This hike was by far the best I’ve been on. It was the most difficult, longest, and furthest I’ve driven to “just hike” from my house. A 35+ minute drive out there, and WOW, even the drive was AMAZING. I didn’t see anyone until I was rounding the bend to end the trail, and it was a couple that appeared to be in their 40’s or 50’s with a Golden Retriever. Walking quite away behind them, I couldn’t hear their voices, but I could sense their energy, see their body language, and they were pretty in touch with one another. I notice things like this when I see couples now. I can’t help but wonder what journey’s they’ve been on. Have they been in my shoes? Did they work through some things before getting to where they were? Are they still in touch with them selves, so they are better for their partner?

I’m not on this self discovery journey so I can find someone, I’m on this journey so I can be happy, healthy, and in present with myself. Once I feel like I am safely in touch with myself again, I think that finding someone will come more naturally than it has in my past. I’ve never went out and found the person I wanted. They’ve always more or less fallen into my lap. I was very lucky once, but wasn’t able to fully accept, appreciate, and connect with her in the long run. Most feel right in the beginning, but aren’t who I thought they were shortly after the “newness” wore off. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was them. I’m not interested in another “girlfriend”. I want so much more, when I choose to accept life with someone next time. I want next time, to be the last time.

Growing, experiencing, connecting, and living life with someone will be better when I’m able to be better myself. Do I miss the companionship of someone in my life, absolutely. Am I willing to be less authentic to find that again, absolutely not.

I always “assumed’ I was one of the good guys. Opening doors for her, being polite to people as we were out to eat etc.. But I wasn’t, I was rotten in the things I said off the cuff to her, I didn’t “do” what people do when they are letting their actions speak for them. I said nice things when I remembered to, and I half assed doing nice things for her because I “thought” that was what I was supposed to do. Being genuine to her came easy in the beginning, but as I let my life consume me, me mind drift uncontrollably, and stopped communicating what was going on in my head, I left her feeling invisible, unappreciated, and neglected. These things are revelations to me recently, and a very large part of why I’m working on me, healing from past trauma, and getting back in touch with my self.

I left a rock in my boot on the hike (it flipped in there sometime on the hard climb to the summit), just to practice being present. It didn’t hurt a lot, but it hurt enough I didn’t want to keep going with it in there.

In a funny way, that pebble in my shoe, is like my mind in a relationship. If I could keep thinking the good things I was thinking on this hike, with the irritation of that rock catching me off guard every few feet, I can be there for my person, no matter what thoughts have been distracting me all day. A few minutes to listen to her, actually LISTEN to her in stead of listen long enough to get my 2 cents in, means I can be more present for her and keep our connection healthy.

With lifted spirits, a broken camera, friendships of old, and really great smells from the trial in my mind, I hope you all have a wonderful day, be kind to yourself, and happiness takes work.